It’s been about five days since. Breaking up is hard to do, seriously. But outside of this hurt, rejection, and withdrawal - I knew deep down inside and from the back of my mind that I was meant to leave. That God intended for it to happen. In fact, while I was packing up to leave I was thanking God. It didn’t happen the way I expected, because I expected to leave on my own terms. Here are my thoughts… I think God didn’t want me to just find a job, quit the one I have, and start working at the new one. I would be continuing this 9-to-5-ish type of job, and still be living the same life (i just had an epiphany while explaining this). I would be living the same way and not be changing/growing at all. I realize that everything in my life (or what could be) has taken a backseat, and no matter how hard I try it wasn’t getting better. So the only solution I could think of was to get the position I think I want and get paid more for doing it. Then I can move, and get a fresh start. The only flaw to that is I don’t know for sure if things will work out the way I hope. From what I know of God, our relationship with Himself is what matters most. Jesus restored the paralytic spiritually before he healed him physically. It’s the heart of the issue for every person. I think I understand now. Though I do have an idea on what I could do career-wise, but right now I need restoration. Including my spirit, which have been battered and tenderized. This might be retreat I’ve been needing. To be taken care of for once.
We broke up
My company broke up with me yesterday, and said that “It’s not you, it’s me.” But we’re supposedly still “friends” because it had nothing to do with my performance but had to eliminate my position due to the economy. My boss said if I need a recommendation that I can call her, though she was sort of detached of emotion. I did find out today that I was not the only one they planned on letting go.
This took place after I finished my lunch. She came by my desk and asked if I had a minute, took me into a conference room and the head HR lady was in there. My boss broke the news to me, and walked out. The lady showed me some papers, and I had to sign something. I was going to just walk out, but realize I have all this stuff to pack because I’ve been working there for three and a half years. My boss was instructed to watch me while I pack my stuff, made sure I shut down my computer, and walked me out the door. No goodbyes. Since I need help to carry all my stuff, she walked with me to my car. She gave a brief look at me and said bye as she began to walk away. I stopped her to hug her and then she left. I was surprised by the lack of well wishes or even a hint of sadness that I had to go.
Though it was a lay-off, it felt like being fired. It lacked the closure you would get if you were to volunteerly quit and have two weeks to wrap things up and say goodbye. We use to be a private company, and loyalty was almost a good reason to keep you. But when we were bought by our competition (which was a public company), things work differently. The way that company worked (at least for us) they don’t give warnings on downsizing or whatever it is. They just give you the boot, and tell no one. We always end up finding out ourselves when we can’t find someone. The only time they announce this is if a VP or up-on-high person quits and that they find a replacement already.
There I am, in the middle of an early afternoon in my car with all my stuff. At first it was kind of like, “Ooh, a day off!” But it was slowly sinking in throughout the day. I seem okay, just kind of in shock. Was just thinking about how to process this. At night, I said to my mom “It’s their loss.” So I guess there was a little anger there. Later on I sat at the dinner table, and was eating real slow. I suddenly cried out loud, and my parents just sat there. My mom at first tried to get mad at me for crying, but finally had the sense to come over and give me a hug. She tends to equate me being hurt or sad as to being foolish and a spoiled complainer. Chinese parents…sometimes they just don’t get it. My parents can be understanding, but they just don’t say the right things the first few rounds.
Update
It’s been frustrating two or three weeks for me. This person(s) at work has driving me up the wall with this project I’m working on. Micro-managing to the third power plus lack of trust plus my-way-or-the-highway tendencies equal insanity. At the same time, I’ve been required to come in 1 1/2 hour earlier everyday - every insomniac’s dream. The hurricane that comes with politics leading up to voting day didn’t help either. There’s more, but I’m just left feeling tired and my spirit tenderized. I think I have a cold now too.
I need some positivity. I saved 25 bucks on a full tank of gas in compared to the summer. My boss did just recently intervened a bit on the drama, hopefully it will be better. Voting is over, and regardless of which side you’re on - America does have its first black president. Or as my British friend puts it, “Obama is the new president of the world!”
In times like these, sometimes music is a good release. Here’s one by the songwriter, Regina Spektor.
Hem
I just discovered a new band. For me it is, but they’re actually not new. I had just heard a snippet of a song on a commercial. I searched online by typing out the lyrics I heard and found that it was a song by a band called Hem. Anyway, I’ve been testing out the song clips on Amazon and so far their music have a pretty consistent sound. They’re kind of mellow, so if you like mellow Hem is pretty good. If only there’s a “best of” album, so I don’t have to figure out which song or album I should get. I have to be pretty convinced that I like a song enough to buy it. If a song is super popular, then I feel that I can always hear it on the radio so I don’t have to buy it.
